Work conflicts can be uncomfortable, but managing them effectively is essential to your success, says workplace expert Henna Pryor.
Whether you’re asking your boss for a raise or receiving difficult feedback from a colleague, try memorizing a handful of go-to phrases, so you feel more prepared and at ease — no matter what awkward situation or conflict is thrown at you, says Pryor, the founder and CEO of Philadelphia-based leadership coaching firm Pryority Group.
If you can navigate conflict well, your colleagues will see you as someone who stays calm under pressure, holds themselves accountable and can help solve problems, Pryor adds. The more people want to work with you and seek out your opinion, the more influential you become.
CNBC Make It surveyed a group of five communication experts, including Pryor, who shared their favorite phrases to use in three types of workplace conflicts:
When you need to initiate a difficult conversation
Approaching a peer or manager about a problem can feel daunting, Pryor says. If you have to initiate a potentially tricky conversation with a coworker, try using phrases that let the other person know you’re on the same problem-solving team.
- “I’m head-to-toe uncomfortable, but I feel it’s important I bring up…” Acknowledging awkwardness with levity at the start of a conversation emphasizes to the other person that there’s an issue you need to solve together, and it’s “more important than our collective comfort,” Pryor says.
- “I’m seeking clarity.” A lot of conflict can arise from miscommunication. Asking for clarity when something feels ambiguous can help you both feel less defensive, and set you on a calmer path to align your goals, Pryor says.
- “I’m feeling anxious.” If you know there’s a difficult conversation heading your way, you can ask to practice with someone you trust, says Phoebe Gavin, a Washington D.C.-based career and leadership coach. Then, ask if they’re open to providing feedback. “Anxiety is a [totally] normal emotion and a sign of investment,” she explains. “Saying it out loud can humanize you and get you helpful support.”
When someone approaches you with a problem
If a peer or boss approaches you about an issue, first try asking some questions to understand the main obstacle, before trying to solve the large problem, suggests Matt Abrahams, a Stanford University organizational behavior lecturer.
- “What does success look like?” Abrahams says that he asks this question so he can better understand the other person’s goals. That way, he can offer guidance that aligns with their objectives.
- “In the past, how have you handled situations like this?” Once Abrahams has a firm understanding of the problem, he tries to encourage the other person to relate it back to their own experience. “[These questions] get people away from personality challenges … and focuses on the collaboration around a common goal,” he says.
- “I’d love to talk about this later. Is that OK?” Use this phrase if the other person is emotional, or if you’re too busy in the moment to devote your full attention, says Alison Wood Brooks, an associate professor at Harvard University who studies negotiation and conversational skills. Once you’ve had some time to prepare, find a neutral, private place to discuss further. “It’s extremely difficult to make conversational progress when tempers are flaring,” Wood Brooks says. It never hurts to take a few minutes or even a few days to cool down and circle back.
When you need to keep your cool during a disagreement
If you notice emotions are high in the middle of a workplace argument, you can redirect the conversation by deploying phrases to make the other person laugh or feel heard.
- “I want to make sure I understand.” The most important thing to remember in the face of conflict is to initially, and then repeatedly, validate the other person’s feelings and perspectives, multiple experts say.
- “It sounds like what’s most important to you in this situation is…” Gavin likes to paraphrase the most central point in the other person’s argument, so she can demonstrate that she’s listening, she says.
- “It makes sense that you feel that way.” Use this phrase if the person you’re speaking with seems especially vulnerable or upset. Lead with empathy, Wood Brooks says.
- “How dare you!” If the tone of the conversation is generally light-hearted, you can also respond with playfulness, Wood Brooks adds. “I like to say this when someone raises a spicy or controversial point — but you have to deliver it dripping with obvious, over-the-top sarcasm,” she says. “If done well, it will always get a laugh, which immediately helps cut [tension]. It’s a jovial way of saying, ‘I love what you’ve said. It took courage. Let’s address this together.'”
Most workplace conflicts, Gavin says, “stem from mismatched expectations, priorities or incentives.” When you are able to effectively talk about them, and bring those misalignments to the surface, “you can resolve them and unblock progress.”
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