As the American population polarized more and more, tense conversations usually end with a family chorus: “let’s leave it.” Even family dinners can be tense, bringing to light differences that could trigger a manifest conflict.
For the educator and trainer in Lisa Pavia-Higel communication, conversations that involve social and political issues can raise great problems that could even permanently damage those important family ties. Phrases such as: “Agree to disagree”, or any other phrase that politely replace “stop speaking”, does not restore harmony, on the contrary.
Prohibited issues
The conversation is the currency of change of relationships. When families talk about anything, from “What are your five favorite films?” Even “What led you to fill the sink that way?” Not only exchange information. They forge trust and create a shared story that deepens family ties.
According to the relationship development model of the communication researcher Mark L. Knapp, all relationships have a life cycle. People bind and consolidate their connection through five stages, from “initiation” to “linking.” However, many relationships are finally broken, through five stages of rupture.
No relationship is as linear as the presuppose model, but can help identify possible danger zones: moments in which a link runs the risk of breaking. A stage, in particular, illustrates why it is so dangerous to avoid these difficult conversations: “constituency.”
Imagine surrounding conservation issues with a yellow police tape, issues that almost instantly trigger conflicts. Having some of these prohibited issues in a relationship will probably not ruin a marriage or cause family distancing. However, marking too many ideas as forbidden facilitates people to avoid conversation completely.
The constituency is one of the stages of disintegration of the Knapp model. If problems are not addressed, a relationship can continue to decline towards the last stage: the termination.
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We need to speak
Unfortunately, this distancing from loved ones is not a theoretical problem. In a survey conducted in 2022 to 11 thousand Americans, more than one in four people declared to be distanced from their close relatives.
Moreover, these relationships are not always replaced by other narrow links. Approximately half of the Americans claim to have only three or less close friends. In 2023, the then general director of Public Health, Vivek Murthy, declared that widespread loneliness and isolation were an “epidemic.”
Social connection is a basic human need. Relationships are not limited to providing support; They play a key role in how people define themselves. According to the theory of social penetration of psychology, talk with close relatives and loved ones deepens relationships and helps people learn to express their deepest values.
So, if “accepting to disagree” is not the answer, what is it?
There is no unique process that resolves all conflicts at a family dinner. These techniques require time, patience and compassion, qualities that can be scarce in the midst of a conflict. However, there are two techniques that I not only recommend, but I use in my own conflicts: “seek understanding” and “rethink and change.”
Catch up on
The loop, originally developed for legal mediation, helps both parties in a conversation to be understood. Feeling misunderstanding tends to aggravate the conflict, so it is an excellent starting point.
During a loop, each person listens actively, which means that he pays attention to what his interlocutor says without judging or interrupting. Then, the listener demonstrates his understanding through the so -called “empathic paraphrase”: he reiterates what he heard from the interlocutor, but also the emotions he perceived. Finally, ask the original interlocutor.
This could sound like this:
So, if I understand what he says well, he believes that people should not have to vaccinate against the flu in his office because he is not sure of his effectiveness and frustrates him that his company tells him what to do. It’s right?
If the speaker says no, the listener repeats the same phrase asking him to explain what he was wrong and tries to paraphrase again. The participants repeat the same phrase until the answer to “did I understand well?” It is a resounding “yes.” This practice guarantees that both are sure of the problem in question.
Repeating speech also has other benefits. In a study, paraphrase with emphasis not only reduced the anxiety of the participants, but also made the speaker see the paraphraser with a more positive perspective. Feeling heard and understood fully can contribute greatly to soften difficult conversations.
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Framing common land
However, that understanding may not be enough. Once both parties are understood, another technique, the “enchanted”, can help divert the conversation of the confrontation and direct it towards a resolution.
When entering, the speakers find and discuss a single point of agreement. By emphasizing what they coincide, instead of what they disagree, they look for a starting point to address the problem together, instead of facing.
For example:
I think we both agree that we want to keep the family safe. However, I think we disagree with the role that I would play having a weapon at home in that security. Is that so?
It is not always possible to reach an agreement. However, this rethinking presents both communicators as if they shared a key value: a starting point for a more constructive discussion. The rethinking also moves the conversation of the incendiary language that could rekindle the dispute.
There is no magic bullet
No technique will ever be a perfect solution for all relationships, nor a quick solution. Careful communication can be mentally exhausting, and pause is always fine:
I don’t think we will solve the financial problems of our country tonight, but thanks for talking about it. Let’s keep doing it. But for now, I think there is a cake. Do you want a little?
It is also important to accept that not all relationships can and should not be saved. However, it is always good to know that the relationship ended for a clear reason and not for a misunderstanding that was never addressed.
However, hopefully, these tactics will help maintain open communication and healthy relationships, regardless of what topic is addressed at dinner.
*Lisa Pavia-Higels is an attached professor of English and Technical Communication at the University of Science and Technology of Missouri
This article was originally published in The Conversation
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