Everything has changed. “To be honest, I probably missed a lot of dates because of the way Hinge was set up. You can’t search for keywords in your direct messages. You cannot search for names. You cannot search by location.” But this did not stop him.
The longer our conversation went on, the clearer it became how shared her story was with the growing chorus of power users hungry for romance but bound by the sometimes unfair rules of the game.
Our disproportionate reliance on dating apps is to be expected, University of Warwick professor Carolina Bandinelli told me when we spoke about Gen Z’s push for dating alternatives. Bandinelli’s research focuses on the changing cultural codes of online relationships, and over the years he’s noticed that app makers have become very good at “copying the solutionistic ideology of digital technology.”
Although younger generations are bringing a new look to dating culture, which has contributed to thinning profit margins for tech companies, “I believe we’re going to live in a world where dating app is there,” said Bandinelli. “But they’re not the only way people meet—they never have been, for that matter.”
Any Tips?
Do you have an unusual story about an experience using dating apps? How has the internet shaped your relationship with romance, sex, and lust? Email jason_parham@wired.com with the subject header “WIRED Desire.”
However, it is tiring. Of JB’s 200 dates, most were first dates, and he estimates that only 10 to 15 percent involved sex. “Sometimes I don’t even want to look at apps. I was really struck by the tiredness people were talking about. What do they call it? The paradox of choice or whatever. He takes a break every now and then, he says, but “then you open that shit up again.”
I ask if he has learned anything in all this time.
For one, “I don’t close the door just because a week or two doesn’t respond.” He believes that most people are too quick to cut off a connection. “I try to keep an open mind and not take anything personally. At the end of the day, these are strangers. You don’t know what’s going on in that person’s life right away.”
As his relationship with apps has changed, so has his approach to dating. Right after the affair with her most recent ex, in April 2023, “I’d just take girls out to dinner, drinks, this, that, the works. I’d try to be funny. I’d spend hella bread—like $250 on a date. ” Now, he says, less wonder is happening.
In part, he credits the change in mindset with rapper-turned-pundit Cam’ron. “Did you see Cam’ron’s response to Jordan Poole bringing out Ice Spice? He’s like, ‘You spent $500,000 on an Ice Spice date. You’re a munch and you’re playing like an af***ing munch.’” Poole denied the rumour.
“I know it’s a bit of a problem,” JB continued, “but it worked for me. I’m chilling it—pizza and drinks. It becomes very clear if they really want to meet you or if they are trying to pay for their dinner. This is a great way to cut through the bullshit.
He met the girl he is dating now in Raya. “It’s a bit serious. I like him very much.” It’s just that their chance meeting almost didn’t happen. “I was on the fence about going. It was Sunday. I was so tired. She was cool, beautiful. So I went to see her—and she was so beautiful. We had an amazing conversation,” she said. They have been talking for two months. “I probably should have stayed home and slept that night and not gone out drinking with her, but then I didn’t meet this girl I was thinking of deleting the apps.”
That day has not yet come, and may never come. Currently, his accounts are active. “You never know what date will hit or not. It’s a crapshoot,” he said. “It’s low-key addicting.”
