How to say ‘no’—and get them to listen

Saying “no” is essential in parenting. But setting limits shouldn’t start and end with that one word.

As a certified child life specialist and licensed therapist, I know that saying “no” is meant to help kids feel safe, supported, and understood. I often help kids understand: “Your parents aren’t saying ‘no’ to control you, they’re saying ‘no’ to support you.”

Boundaries deepen trust and cooperation over time. When we say “no” with calm, consistency, and care, we’re setting limits. But we’re also teaching emotion regulation, self-control, and connection. These are crucial skills our kids will carry far beyond childhood. 

Here’s how to say no in ways that build connection instead of conflict. 

Think about a curious one-year-old who’s putting sand in their mouth, pulling the dog’s tail, or standing on a chair. If we just say “no” or “stop” without explaining, we might leave them feeling confusion, shame, or doubt.

Instead we might say “not in the mouth,” “gentle hands,” or “sit down.” It’s still a boundary but it teaches and guides them in a way they can learn and understand. 

When kids aren’t adhering to limits, they might need firmer boundaries. But those can still help them figure out what to do, rather than just what not to do. For example: 

• “No helmet, no bike.” 
• “It’s not safe to ride without a helmet, so I’m going to put the bike away for now.” 
• “As soon as you put your helmet on, you can ride your bike.”

Kids crave reasoning to make sense of things. Limits work best when kids understand them. 

With my two young children, I always lead with limits related to safety and kindness. This helps me stay mindful of when and why I’m saying “no” in the first place, and whether or not certain limits are negotiable. 

Recently, my five-year-old asked for emotional support while I was driving. I said, “I can’t hold your hand when I’m driving because it’s not safe. But as soon as we get home, I can give you a hug.” It was still a “no,” but it prioritized connection and safety. 

When kids know why, they’re more likely to accept the limit even if they don’t like it. This can teach them perspective-taking. For screens, helmets, and more, it might also mean explaining that “every family has different rules, and these are ours.” 

When kids hear the word “no,” they immediately feel stripped of autonomy and control — often when they’re trying to explore their world and build their identity.

Pair limits with choices. That can sound like:

• “The park isn’t a choice right now, you can choose to play in the backyard or in the basement.”
• “Choose one more thing to do and then it’s time to leave.”

When kids struggle to decide, you can always resort to: “You can choose or I can choose for you.”

Kids will feel empowered by being able to make a choice within the boundaries you’ve clearly set. 

Toddlers test every limit, every day. And it doesn’t stop after toddlerhood. It’s a sign of healthy development, and it looks different at different ages and stages.

This is how kids learn what’s safe and where the boundaries are. When limits change easily, kids push harder. When limits are consistent, they learn to trust and expect them.

Our job as parents is to communicate consistently, calmly, and clearly even when kids melt down or fight back. It teaches them that their world is safe and predictable, even when it’s upsetting, and shows them unwavering support in the face of challenges.

Sometimes we shout “no!” instinctively in moments of stress or fear, like when a child is running toward the street.

It’s natural to react that way, but it’s essential to follow up with an explanation and perhaps even an apology. When my daughter recently tugged on a necklace that’s already broken twice, I added: “I’m worried it will break. It’s special to me and costs money to fix.” She said, “I’m sorry mama. It was an accident. I won’t do it again.”

Repairing and explaining after an emotional “no” can teach kids about accountability and empathy in a relationship and demonstrate reflection and correction.

As kids grow and develop, boundaries may look and sound different but the underlying message is the same.

A “no” to going to the park after school might sound like, “I hear you, but that’s not an option today. We already have plans.” Similarly, when it’s time to end an activity: “We’re all done now” or “It’s time to go home.” You can even validate their feelings while staying firm: “It’s okay to be upset, but it’s not going to change the plans. I’m right here with you.”

These honest conversations around limits teach kids that boundaries and connection can exist together — a lesson that will serve them through every stage of life. 

Kelsey Mora is Certified Child Life Specialist and Licensed Clinical Professional Counselor who provides custom support, guidance, and resources to parents, families, and communities impacted by medical conditions, trauma, grief, and everyday life stress. She is a private practice owner, mom of two, the creator and author of The Method Workbooks, and the Chief Clinical Officer of the nonprofit organization Pickles Group.

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