I’ve spent a lot of my life getting in my own way. I had big dreams, but whenever I set out to achieve them, a new challenge would always pop up that I had no idea how to deal with. It felt like no matter how hard I tried, I was never able to make the progress — or find the happiness — I craved.
In frustration, I turned to scientific research, spending 10 years studying the science of well-being. I found the answers I was looking for, but I also discovered something else: I wasn’t alone. So many people are experiencing similar challenges. I ended up building a platform that teaches millions of people how to be happier — and writing my book “New Happy.”
There are seven common ways we tend to sabotage ourselves. I’ve come up with science-backed solutions for each to help you live your most fulfilled life.
1. You don’t know what matters most to you
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
We’ve grown up in a culture that instills values like perfection, achievement, hyper-independence and competition.
However, most of us don’t endorse these as our own personal values, leaving us constantly feeling caught in a tug-of-war between what we’re told to do and what really matters to us.
That’s why it’s essential to identify your own values. You can look up a list of values or use this values tool I developed. Identify your top five. Every time you’re making a decision, pause and ask yourself, “Which choice is most aligned with my values?”
2. You don’t break your dreams into manageable goals
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
The dreams we have are often so big that we end up feeling overwhelmed. Start breaking your dream down into smaller, more achievable goals.
It’s helpful to identify a short-term milestone that’s one or two months in the future and ask yourself: “By this date, what would be reasonable to have achieved?”
3. You were never taught how to manage your emotions
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
As you work toward your short- and long-term goals, you’ll inevitably experience difficult emotions like fear, frustration, sadness, worry and confusion. Meet those emotions with compassion.
I use a practice called a “Feelings Check-In”: Once a day, pause, take a deep breath and try to identify what you’re feeling.
Labeling your emotions helps you regulate them and manage your distress, as well as tap into the wiser part of your brain that supports effective decision making.
4. You try to do everything alone
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
We live in a highly individualistic culture that likes to perpetuate the idea that people do great things all by themselves.
In fact, every personal accomplishment is only possible due to countless acts of support along the way.
To get the help you need, practice saying phrases like:
- “Is there any advice you have for me?”
- “Do you have time to give me some feedback on my work?”
- “Could you help me with that?”
5. You view your mistakes as proof that you won’t succeed
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
Everyone makes mistakes, and yet we somehow believe that we should be the exception to that rule and be able to do everything perfectly right away.
Your mistakes, though, are what help you grow and improve. When you try to avoid them, you end up hampering your progress.
The next time you have a setback, pause and say to yourself: “This mistake is a sign that I’m growing and moving closer to what matters to me.”
6. You don’t take breaks
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
By taking time away from our work, we’re able to tap into our creativity, strengthen our motivation and care for our well-being.
Make it a practice to integrate moments of rest into your day and week, such as:
- Deciding to shut down at a specific time each day
- Eating your lunch away from your computer
- Scheduling an afternoon workout
Consider what other types of breaks you need, too. Sometimes, the best way to rejuvenate is to spend time with loved ones, work on a passion or hobby or go outside.
7. You believe you’ll be happy when you get there
Stephanie Harrison of The New Happy
Wherever “there” might be, the idea that achievements lead to happiness is a pervasive and harmful myth. This belief often leads people to pursue goals that make them miserable, assuming that it will all be worth it in the end.
It’s a far better strategy to work to find happiness in the process of achieving. Ask yourself: What would it look like to find joy every day?
Brainstorm a few shifts you could make that would bring more connection, purpose, and joy into your daily activities — not in some imagined future when you reach a goal you think you should achieve.
Stephanie Harrison is the founder of The New Happy, an organization advancing a new philosophy of happiness. She is an expert in happiness, speaker, designer, and author of the book “New Happy: Getting Happiness Right in a World That’s Got It Wrong.” Follow her on Instagram, TikTok and LinkedIn.
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