I saw him first hand after my Murphy cat died earlier this year. They had diagnosed cancer just a few weeks before.
It was a small gray timed cat with delicate legs that, even during chemotherapy, went up to his favorite diving hanger, the “mount Murphy”, with firm determination.
The day after his death, a colleague said shrugging: “It is part of life.”
That phrase was recorded, not because I was wrong, but because of the speed with which I dismissed something real.
Murphy was not just a cat. He was my eldest daughter, by link, if not by blood. My shadow
Why does the duel for a pet not count?
More than two thirds of US households have pets. Americans tend to treat them as a family, with birthday cakes, shared beds and names on Christmas cards.
But when someone cries them as a family, the cultural script is reversed. The duel is minimized. The support becomes uncomfortable. And when nobody recognizes your loss, you begin to feel that you were not even supposed to love them so much from the beginning.
I have seen this type of grief closely, both in my research and in my own life. I am a psychologist and study the attachment, loss and link between humans and animals.
And I have seen firsthand how the duel often after the loss of a pet is ignored, it is treated as less valid, less serious or less worthy of support than human loss. After the death of a pet, people often say the wrong thing: they usually try to help, but often do the opposite.
When the loss is minimized or dismissed
Psychologists describe this type of loss not recognized as marginalized duel: a form of grief that is not fully recognized by social norms or institutions. It occurs after spontaneous abortions, love breaks, loss of employment and, especially, after the death of a beloved animal companion.
Pain is real for those who are grieving, but what is missing is social support to regret that loss.
Even well -intentioned people have a hard time responding. And when the duel is ignored, it not only hurts, but it makes us question if we are even allowed to feel it.
Here are three of the most common answers and what to do in your place:
‘Just a pet’
This is one of the most reflective answers after a loss like this. It sounds harmless. But deep down, the cultural belief of an animal is excessive, even unprofessional, is hidden.
This belief is reflected in everything, from labor permits to everyday conversations. Even in people trying to be friendly.
But the duel for a pet is not about the species, but about the link. And for many, that bond is irreplaceable.
Pets often become attachment figures; They are an integral part of our routines, our emotional life and our identity. Recent research shows that the quality of the bond between humans and pets is fundamental, not only for well -being, but also for duel when that connection ends.
What is lost is not “just an animal.” It is the constant presence that greeted you every morning. The one who sat next to you during the deadlines, the small triumphs and the calm nights. A partner who made the world feel a little less alone.
But when the world treats that love as if it didn’t matter, loss can be even more painful.
It may not come with formal recognition or free time, but it is still important. And love is no less real just because it came with hair.
If someone you want to lose a pet, recognize the link. Even a simple “I’m very sorry” can provide real comfort.
You are interested: the growing adoption of pets in Latin America, challenge for responsible tenure
‘I know how you feel’
“I know how you feel” sounds empathic, but discreetly diverts the attention of the mourner to whom he speaks. It rushes with your story before yours even has the opportunity to express yourself.
That instinct comes from a good source. We want to connect, reassure, let someone who is not alone know, but when it comes to duel, that impulse is often counterproductive. The duel does not need to be reciprocated, but needs to be honored and give it time, care and space for it to develop, be it the loss of a person or a pet.
Instead of responding with your own story, try simpler and more forceful words:
- “That sounds very hard.”
- “Very sorry”.
- “I’m here if you want to talk.”
You don’t need to understand someone’s pain to make space. What helps is not the comparison, but the presence.
Let them name the loss. Let them remember. Let them say what hurts them.
Sometimes, simply remain present, without hurry, without solving problems or diverting attention, it is the most significant thing you can do.
‘You can always have another pet’
It is the type of phrase that people say by reflection when they don’t know what else to say: a clumsy attempt to reassure.
Deep down, there is a desire to calm, fix, that sadness disappears. But that instinct can ignore the essential: loss is not practical, it is personal. And the duel is not a problem that can be solved.
This type of comment usually seems more customer service than comfort. Treat the relationship as something replaceable, as if love were something that can be changed, like a broken phone.
But each pet is unique, not only because of its appearance or voice, but for how it moves in your life. The way they await you at the door and observe you when they leave. The small rituals you did not know that they were ritual until they ceased to exist. You build a life around them without realizing it, until they are no longer part of it.
You wouldn’t tell someone to “simply have another child” or “look for a new couple.” And yet, people say the same as long as the loss of a pet.
Hurry up to replace the relationship instead of honoring the lost ignores what that irreplaceable link did. Love is not interchangeable, nor are we who lose.
So offer a care that lasts. The duel does not follow a schedule. A reminder weeks or months later, either with a heart emoji, a shared memory or a kind reminder that they are not alone, you can remind someone that their pain is visible and that their love still matters.
When people say nothing
Often, people don’t know what to say after the death of a pet, so they say nothing. But silence not only buries the duel, but isolates it. He tells the mourner that his love was excessive, that his sadness was inopportune and that his loss did not deserve recognition.
And the duel that feels invisible can be the most difficult to cope with.
So, if a loved one loses a pet, do not change the subject. Don’t hurry him out of his sadness. Do not offer solutions.
Instead, here are other ways to offer support with delicacy and meaning:
- Say the name of your pet.
- Ask him what is most strange.
- Tell him you feel it.
- Let it cry.
- Do not cry.
- Remember.
Because when someone loses a pet, he is not “alone” in mourning for an animal. It is mourning for a relationship, a rhythm and a presence that made the world feel friendlier. What he needs most is someone willing to treat that loss as if it were important.
*Brian N. Chin is an attached professor of psychology at Trinity College.
This article was originally published in The Conversation
Do you use more Facebook? Let us like to be informed
