This is one of the strongest predictors of a happy relationship

We’re often inundated with relationship advice that rarely captures the complexity of what actually makes love work.

As a couples counselor with a decade of experience working with couples and individuals trying to find and stay in love, I’ve found that one of the most underrated signs of a healthy and resilient relationship is a concept called “mutual influence.”

Coined by married psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman, mutual influence means that you are willing to let your partner’s needs, vulnerabilities, and perspectives shape you, and even change something about your own behavior.

This quality generally only comes into focus during moments of tension or disagreement, not during easy harmony. At the beginning of a relationship, everyone is usually on their best behavior, which can make this valuable green flag hard to spot early on. 

Here’s how to identify and develop it in your own relationship.  

In a 2020 study, psychologists followed nearly 320 couples and found that when both partners felt their voice truly mattered and could genuinely impact the other, relationship quality stayed high and emotional security deepened over the years. 

Couples who ignored this dynamic stagnated and became more insecure as their satisfaction with their relationship eroded.​

When both partners experience mutual influence, the psychologists found that relationships not only feel fairer, but they actually are more stable and loving. Individuals report less anxiety about their partner’s commitment, and small conflicts are less likely to snowball into chronic gridlock.

This is what mutual influence looks like in practice:

• Setting your phone aside when your partner says, “I need you to really hear me right now.”
• Going a different route on a road trip because your partner feels anxious about traffic, even if you think your way is faster. 
• Deciding to spend the holidays with their family this year after hearing how much it means to them, even though your tradition was always different. 
• Choosing to pause a personal project for the evening because your partner asks for some help finishing theirs. 
• Switching off the lights when they mention they have a headache.
• Accepting their feedback about how you speak during disagreements and choosing to change your tone or words, not because you have to, but because you want them to feel safer and closer to you. 

Mutual influence isn’t about giving up your identity in your relationship or shelving what you need for the sake of keeping the peace. True openness means maintaining your values, while still making room for your partner’s experience, especially when the two of you don’t see eye-to-eye. You are creating a shared life where both of your voices matter.

Each week, consciously make one accommodation that you know is important to them. This could be a habit of yours, or making room for a preference of theirs. This signals to your partner that you hear them.

So try their restaurant pick, take their suggested route, adjust the thermostat to their ideal temperature. Being flexible in low-stakes moments makes it far easier to access that quality during high-stakes ones.

During conflict, I’m also a big fan of asking the question: “What am I missing that would help this make more sense?” It’s a disarming query because it shows that you’re not fighting to be right, but to better understand what’s going on in your partner’s head.

These are small gestures that might look insignificant from the outside, but over time, they create the sense of being considered, included, and influential, which are the conditions where real intimacy takes root. That is what separates the couples who merely coexist from those who continually grow closer.​

Baya Voce is a relationship expert who helps couples come back together after conflict. She holds an MSW from Columbia University. She regularly speaks at SXSW, and her TEDx talk on loneliness has over 5 million views. 

Earn more and get ahead with CNBC’s online courses. Black Friday starts now! Get 25% off select courses and 30% off exclusive bundles with coupon code GETSMART. Offer valid November 17 through December 5, 2025.