Tips for living a long healthy happy life

Growing up with very little money and six older siblings in the 1910s and 20s, Shirley Hodes and her sister Ruth “Ruthy” Sweedler didn’t have their own rooms. They didn’t even have their own places to sleep.

The 10 members of their immediate family were all wedged into a 2-bedroom, 1-bath apartment with an attic. Five girls slept up there. Ruthy, Shirley, and a third sister shared one bed.

One bonus of the cramped arrangement: The sisters formed a tight and enduring bond and stayed close their entire lives. When they passed away this winter, it was within days of each other. Shirley was 108. Ruthy was 105.

Shirley and Ruthy were described as “the oldest living pair of sisters in the USA” on the super-ager discussion forum The 110 Club. Although that assertion proved impossible to confirm, their combined age of 213 made them “quite remarkable,” a site administrator told me by email.

Since Shirley was my children’s great-grandmother and Ruthy their great aunt, we got to spend lots of time with them over the years. Here are some of the most lasting lessons I learned from them about living a long, happy and healthy life.

It’s easy to assume that maintaining a punishing, Puritan regimen is required to live to 100. After all, a lot traditional advice seems like scolding. Don’t drink! Don’t smoke! Don’t eat too many calories!

Refreshingly, though, Shirley and Ruthy seemed more relaxed about rules in many ways. Sure, neither of them had a cigarette habit, and they were conscientious about many things, including nutrition: They made sure to eat their fruits and vegetables.

But they didn’t turn down a little ice cream after dinner, either. They didn’t obsess over the number on the scale. They both sought out opportunities to savor life, not just to hoard as much time as possible.

In 2023, for example, when Shirley was 107, she told me that, though she loved to make friends, she had to be cautious with men, since so many of them were married and she didn’t want to lead anyone on.

“Surely at some point, though, all bets are off?” I asked, teasing a little.

“When it comes to dancing, yes!” she replied. “Oh, when I’m dancing, I don’t care if he has three wives. I’ll dance with anyone!”

Faith was a key part of life for both sisters, who enjoyed being active and engaged members of their synagogues. As part of a lunch-and-learn study group, Ruthy read through the Hebrew Bible in six months. She joined several Jewish women’s organizations and even served as President of various local chapters.

“Not that I’m so religious,” Ruthy told me. Still, her traditions, history, and faith mattered a great deal to her, and so did her community: “I like being involved.”

Maintaining those connections over time paid off. The former president of her congregation and her rabbi continued to visit her even after limited mobility kept her from being able to venture out much.

Shirley too valued her Judaism. She stayed in touch with her rabbi from Connecticut even after she moved to North Carolina. That rabbi ultimately visited Shirley at her new home outside Asheville and, this winter, gave a moving eulogy at Shirley’s funeral.

Her religion helped her feel connected to history, as well as community. She felt fortunate to see her children, grandchildren, and even grandchildren continue traditions that were meaningful to her.

Both sisters have been big readers since they were old enough to borrow from the library. “I’m interested in everything,” Ruthy told me. “Books are my passion.”

When she did put down a novel in favor of watching TV, she liked to learn something. Her favorite channel was PBS, and her favorite show was the investigative CBS program “60 Minutes.”

Shirley too described herself as fascinated by other people, stories, and situations. In general, she approached the world with awe and an open mind: “I’m just so curious!” she said. “Life would be empty if you didn’t meet and want to know about other people.”

On the Julia Louis-Dreyfus podcast “Wiser than Me,” food critic and author Ruth Reichl made a similar point. “The only thing that really keeps you young is constantly doing things you don’t know how to do,” Reichl said. “If you spend your whole life doing things you already know how to do, you get old fast.”

When I was on the cusp of turning 40 years old, I began to wonder when middle age begins, and whether I should be depressed about the transition. I took the question to Shirley, who was then about to turn 105. Her answer delighted me: “I think ‘middle-aged’ is when you start collecting Social Security,” she said.

“So, even 50?” I asked. “Fifty is not ‘middle-aged’ yet?”

“Oh goodness, no!” she replied. “Absolutely not. At 50, you’re just starting to live.”

When I checked in on her birthday that year, Shirley remained resolutely cheerful. “Tell everyone I’m doing fine” at 105, she said. “I don’t feel it at all.”

Ruthy once gave me similarly good advice for aging without feeling old. “Keep your body in good shape and your mind in good shape,” she said. “Then you’ve got it made.”

After Ruthy graduated from high school, she applied to the Mount Sinai School of Nursing, eager to get into medicine. The institution turned her down because she didn’t meet its minimum height requirement. Shirley, meanwhile, wasn’t able to go to college for financial reasons, though she longed to be a journalist or a teacher.

Life continued to volley disappointments and hardships their way. They lost beloved siblings, spouses, and even children. As the sisters kept going, they made a point of focusing on the positive as much as possible, and on what still lay ahead. That kept them motivated.

As Ruthy put it to me, “I don’t look back. I look forward.”

By the time she was 105, Shirley was widowed, legally blind, and nearly deaf. She couldn’t dance much anymore. Still, she was full of gratitude. “I have no complaints about anything,” she told me. “I don’t think of anything as ordinary. Everything is a miracle.”

“When you have the important things in life, you have to realize it,” she added. “My secret? I’m a lucky person. Although I’ve had illnesses and problems, I’ve overcome them.”

In the end, “I think I’ll die knowing and realizing how lucky I’ve been,” she said. “That I’ve had the best, the absolute best.”

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